It is finished...

Tomorrow is the first day of my plan to get myself together. I am sick of being sick of me and I figure there is only one way to fix this: change.

My outlines for the plan? Increased scripture study, prayer, kindness and patience. I cannot stand the person that I have allowed myself to become through complacency. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of hating myself. I have to change this before it is too late. A new quarter of school is about to begin and I need the strength to get through it.

My number one goal is to strengthen my family and ensure that they know that I love them. I want my precious children to be so strong and so loved, but they can only be these things if I find a way to love myself...however impossible that seems. But doing it for them, that makes it seem possible.

Being the kind of eternal companion that my husband would be delighted to have with him forever, this is my number one also. I want to reaver ether love that Allen so fully and freely gives to me.

Yes.

Today....muuuuch better.

Today is such a better day. I know I kick this drum a lot, but a wonderful spouse is sometimes the difference between living and existing. Yesterday, I felt like I had been existing through this recent bout of sicknes, even with wonderful days laced through it. I finally wound up with a terrible "Meghan" headache, (Dennise Huntzinger, you know these, the ones that only you can understand and that your body has tailored to you and that medicine has no effects on...), and my new meds for it caused a bad reaction which caused both me and Allen to miss school (*surprise*.) I was past breaking and so beyond words with self hate, and Allen asked me what to do, (when I gave up on the hospital, didn't want to sit at the med stop, couldn't reach the dr for his advice), and I snapped and took my aggrivation out on him in the snarkiest and unlovingly thoughtless way. At this point, if I were Allen, and if I had already dealt with me for as long as he has, I would have lost it entirely. Instead, he calmly showed me true love and patience.

Not trying to be one of those bloggers that is all like "look at me, I love blah blah blah", but seriously, how many of us truly treasure when we have a spouse that loves us more than they love theirself. I don't mean they take abuse, I was wrong, I am not always this way with Allen, marriage is ebb and flow, 120% attempt on both sides praying that we come out with a total of 100% together. But when you stop and truly look out for what is best for your loved one before yourself, no just what they want, but what they need, it is such a healer of unspeakable wounds. I know I have unspeakable wounds. (And before it sounds like I'm eluding, no, they do not all come from my previous marriage, almost all of them come from before it and were just severely enhanced by my previous marriage/divorce.) But Allen's gentle, tender, selfless love is unlike anything I have ever encountered before. People have seemed to wonder what it was that I saw and desired so strongly in Allen (other than his blatantly OBVIOUS beastly sexy good looks *stopingnow*) and it is this love that I speak of, couple with his wonderful, vibrant personality, his warm humor, his unmatchable spiritual strength, his ability to think so deeply and so outside of himself....I could go on and on. I often feel like Katniss Everdeen, disgusted at my imperfections (although trust me, Allen is the onlyone, I need no Gale, Allen...no Gale...) while looking at his wholeness.

Although I will stop here and add that he can be annoying sometimes. I wouldn't want you to have an unhealthy view of Allen, so here of some of Allen's shortcomings:
1.) He teases his siblings waaay too much.
2.) He argues minutia with me. ("No, this is where that happened" pfft...your WRONG Allen. Haha..)
3.) Every time I say "Let's get the kids to bed.." he hears "Let's toss the kids in the air, give hem candy, play tag, chase them around the house, giggle and laugh, turn them upside down while tickling them and then sit down and wonder why they are no longer tired." Occasionally that is accompanied with "and then fall asleep while they are still run amuck." But that isn't too often....we toss children and toys on him if the latter happens....

Okay, so I'm not REALLY going to name his worse traits, only traitors an divorce-hungry stooges do that, but you get the picture. No one is perfect. But for me, Allen is, and because of him, my today is going much better.

Oh, and since I failed to post it Saturday, my new forever is now really forever. As of September 15th, 2012, Allen and have been sealed for time and all eternity. How's that for happiness, huh? ;)

<3 Meghan

FINALLY<3

Allen and I are going to the Temple to be sealed for time and all eternity. I am so very very very very (x1mil) happy and I cannot describe how anxious I am for it to come. We will be sealed Saturday, September 15th @ 11am in the Atlanta, Georgia Temple. Please come if you would like to be there. We need the love. But either way, we will be there. And we will also be sealed to our son James, which brings me great joy.

There is now only one hole left inside my heart that goes through my soul as well, and that is my Scooter. He was born out of the covenant, meaning he is not sealed to anyone. He is my only child not sealed to me. It makes me so heartsick. I am trying to focus on the good things and keep praying for this blessings and that hearts will be softened and the Lord's will be done. It's amazing how much you realize just how important your children really are to you, especially when you have done every single thing in your life to always ensure that they are yours and that they have everything they need in every way possible and you still fall short. Just makes me sick to my stomach.

Saved...

We ran out of gas today, while taking Allen to work. Allen had just 4 minutes to clock in, so he jumped out of the rolling vehicle and flagged down a vehicle while running next to it. The gentleman stated that he, too, was late to work and could not drop Allen off. (Allen was abt 1/2 mile from work.) Allen pleaded and the gentleman agreed. He dropped Allen off at the turn in for his work driveway, and said he could go no further. Allen proceeded to run and clocked in 3 minutes from the moment he was dropped off, which was the exact moment he needed to be clocking in. This man probably has no clue what a huge service he did for our family.

Never discount your importance in this life or the importance of what you might deem a small or unecessary deed. You never know when you are someone's blessing.

So thankful fo the "tender mercies" of the Lord right now.

Kix or Kiss?

Allen is terrorizing the house....he keeps asking "Do you want KIX or KISS?!" And no matter how you answer, you are getting a kiss. Of ourse, I have smarty tarty kids who, when they were actually ready for food, said "okay we want cereal now."

I love reduced-stress Saturday mornings. :D

And this is one of many reasons to love Allen, he can be dead serious when necessary, but he can also be the most playful nut ever.

Love, love, love that man. ;D <3 <3 <3

My love

I realized this morning, as I was dropping Allen off at work, how much I truly love and appreciate him. Not a day goes by that we do not laugh together. He always works so hard to see if he can provide the very best days for the children and I. He is ALWAYS doing what is best for us, which usually ranges from working his butt off, cleaning the house, going to school, biting his tongue when it could be so much easier to spit fire, wiping our tears, being our clown, listening to our every thoughts, striving to be spiritual and honest in every way....i could go on and on. No, he's not perfect. But he is perfect for me and for us. I go to sleep every night with not a drop of fear that he will ever hurt us or leave us. How could I be, he never leaves me with any doubts. He has proven himself to be such a man, I just never thought I would be happy like this, never. I thank God for him in every way. May I ever be worthy of his deep, true love. He is always beyond worthy of mine. I feel so much like a respected, loved, cherished individual, that I cannot even fathom life without him.

In a few weekends, we will be going to the temple and being sealed for time and all eternity. What a blessing. Words, they just do not, they cannot speak what I feel.

That is all. :D

AAaaaaaaaaaAAaaaAAAaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I've been awake since 4am. I have accomplished repairing one stem valve on the faucet, purchasing cat litter and scarfing down 1/3 of a normal sized can of Campbell's Homestyle Chicken Noodle soup. And that last item was a complete accident....didn't realize I was starving. On days like today, I wonder why I ever sleep, I mean, not sleeping and working through the night would mean I accomplish studying, cleaning, painting, reading, praying, thinking, relaxing......you get the picture. I woke up with a to-do list a mile long, assuming that since I didn't have to be at school until 5 tonight, that I would accomplish it. Now I'm famous for my mental list making, but this wasn't even that extreme. It included simple things with titles like "Bathe Scoots and Mari first thing", "Cook Pancakes" (even if it happened for lunch!), and "clean out wallet."
Well, here's the reaction to those attempts:

1. "Bathe Scoots and Mari first thing": Well, that started out normal enough. And since my bathroom comfortably fits my entire family and all my pets, I figured I would just have everyone in the bathroom with me and I would clean it. Allen called me about halfway into the bath water filling up, which was fine, Scooter and Mari were already in the water, gleefully splashing and swimming. I realized that I needed to turn the water off. *cringes* It wouldn't. I mean, the hot side, (that we repaired two weeks ago) turned off just fine. But the cold side, oh the horror. And guess what, no one was here to turn the water off or sit with the kids while I went into the basement myself, not to mention that J.B. (our unofficial pet King Snake) was slinking around down there....long story short, this was the DR (or "Day Ruiner".)

2. "Cook Pancakes": After the faucet nightmare, I decided lunch would be my target time for cooking them, mind you, I use the boxed mix that you just add milk. Well, Ana informed me in a screaming way "I DON'T WANT PANCAKES." FORget it. Nevermind.

3. "Clean out wallet": HAHA! I tried that while waiting on Mammy to arrive with the valve stem.....EPIC HORROR OF HORRIFIC PROPORTIONS! Didn't finish.

To sum it up, the kids are being wild as I type, and that may make me a bad mom, but I needed to get it out, somewhere other than in my little brain's mental ecosystem, there had to be a release.

Now before anyone criticizes me "being so negative", remember that we all have bad days. I'm just a very genuine person and I can admit that pretending that every day is perfect and I'm never unhappy is like going backwards in time to about 2 years ago when I was still living in wonderland, chasing that white rabbit of perfection. Stupid rabbit even had pressed clothes, organic veggies consumed daily and never spoke above the gentle hum of a 1930's television mom's voice.

I'm not rabbit, I'm just a real and honest woman, one who loves her kids, loves her life, adores her husband is so grateful for everything and dreams big, but knows that everyone and everything falls short eventually, life isn't perfect and everything WILL BE OK. (repeats x 3)

Here's to that Math tonight...... @.@